Trespassing Kids

2009-03-29T11:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Lizzy: Kids in my neighborhood have now proven that they have NO problem jumping my fence to get to my dogs...even with me standing right there. So how can I make them NOT jump the fence when I'm not around?

-Trespassed in Oklahoma City

Dear Trespassed,

Kids are pretty stupid and can be pretty annoying at times. This what you need to do:

1) Dig a two moats around the fence.
2) Fill one moat with alligators. Try to find out what pisses alligators off. An angry alligator is far more effective than one that's had a good day.
3) Hook moat number two up to your natural gas supply and light it on fire. Nobody is going to cross a fire moat. People respect fire moats.

This should take care of your kid problem. This also will take care of any annoying neighbor problems, religious nut problems, solicitors, and the occasional family member. If you don't feel like building a moat, you could always give your dogs rabies. This would be fairly effective, but not quite as bad ass as the moat solution.

Coffee conundrum.

2009-03-15T17:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Lizzy,

Every morning I go to the coffee shop. I try to make the stop as quick as possible by ordering a drip coffee. Invariably, there is always someone at the the cream and sugar area that is taking a really long time. Sometimes they'll sit there and stir their coffee for a couple of minutes, hogging all of the space, and creating a line. I know how to dress my coffee within 15 seconds, and usually need to get out in a hurry. How can I let them know to speed it up with out being rude?

-Annoyed in Reno

Dear Annoyed,

I feel you on this one. I can't tell you how many times I've been behind someone who's standing at the cream area in a daze, stirring their coffee for ten minutes as if it was foreplay. Most people walk around all day unaware of their surroundings, aimlessly walking through life thinking that their cup of coffee is the only cup of coffee on the planet that needs half and half. These are the same people that suck at driving, hog the aisle at the grocery store, and stare at their cellphones for two minutes as it blares TLC's "No Scrubs" on a bus. There is a few of ways you can handle it:

A) A tried and true tactic is the creamer area reach around. Slide up to the cream stand thingy (I really have no idea what the hell it is called) and start doctoring up your coffee. This will break them from their "It's been three days, and Troy hasn't called me yet, he must think I'm..." trance. They'll realize that they're being a dick and start sharing the area.

B) A more fun option is to commentate their outfit. Things like "Are you going to work? You must not like your job if you're wearing that outfit." or "You know, you really shouldn't wear those shoes. They make you look kinda puffy."

C) Even more fun is start drinking the half and half straight out of the container. This will ensure that they always take their coffee black.

AntiAdvice: Because problems are much more fun when the cops get called.

Trespassing Kids

Dear Lizzy: Kids in my neighborhood have now proven that they have NO problem jumping my fence to get to my dogs...even with me standing right there. So how can I make them NOT jump the fence when I'm not around?

Coffee conundrum.